take my vacation...please.
by Burt Prelutsky
When it comes to travel, there are all kinds of people. Some folks can’t wait to go hunting and fishing, while others want to spend time at spas and be pampered. Then there are those whose goal is to soak up culture like a sponge, while the less pretentious are content to merely soak up sunshine. And, finally, as is so often the case, there’s yours truly.
All I want to do is stay home. If I weren’t a married man, and one who wishes to remain that way, I’d donate all my luggage to Goodwill. My wife likes to go places. Most wives, I’ve noticed, like to go places. Most men -- real men -- like to stay home with the dog, surrounded by their stuff. Which seems odd, if you think about it, when it’s women who are supposed to be the natural nest-builders. In my personal experience, though, as soon as their own nest is built, they can’t wait to rush off and see everybody else’s nest.
I mean, maybe if I lived in North Dakota or Minnesota, I’d be anxious to visit a warmer clime, just as I can imagine escaping Phoenix and Tucson in the summer. But, feeling as I do about extreme temperatures, I can’t imagine living in a climate that could accommodate either penguins or parrots in the first place.
For those people who enjoy taking trips, my attitude must seem very peculiar, indeed. But I suspect that sane people always seem odd and eccentric to the insane. As I see it, when you stay home, you have your friends nearby, food is never more than a few steps away, and you know how to work the remote. Furthermore, you don’t have to deal with long lines at the airport or worry whether your car is going to break down in the middle of nowhere or even whether your favorite brand of beer is going to be readily available.
On top of all that, unless you happen to live in Southern California or certain parts of the Southwest, if you get lost and need to get directions, everyone you ask is going to speak English. Trips are a clever invention of the hotel, travel and postcard, industries, and I contend that anybody who falls prey is a sucker, and has only himself to blame.
I say if you’re willing to go to all the bother and expense of going somewhere on a vacation, some place you obviously prefer to where you presently live, logic dictates that you should do the intelligent thing and just pack up once and for all and move there.
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